Taken from Fiidah

1) Signboard Outside A Prostitute's House: Married MEN Not Allowed. we serve the needy, Not the Greedy.
2) Lady : is this my train?Station Master : no, its belongs to the railway company.Lady : dont try to be funny. i mean to ask if i can take this train to New Delhi.Station Master : no madam, im afraid its too heavy.
3) Customer : waiter, do you serve crabs?Waiter : please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
4) Customer : waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?Waiter : cant you tell the difference by taste?Customer : no, i cant.Waiter : then, does it really matter?
5) Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, 'Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!''Thats great, sweetheart,' said her daddy.'Come in to the living room and tell me about it.''Well,' began the confession, 'i got 50 in spelling, 30 in maths and 20 in science.'
6) Customer : waiter, theres a dead beetle in my soup.Waiter : yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
7) Customer : waiter, theres a fly in my soup.Waiter : thats all right sir, he wont drink much.
8) Waiter : ive stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.Costumer : dont tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
9) Customer : waiter, theres a fly in my soup.Waiter : so what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
10) Customer : waiter, whats the meaning of this fly in my tea up?Waiter : i wouldnt know sir, im a waiter, not a fortune teller.11) First Thief : oh! the police is here. quick! jump out of the window!Second Thief : but this is the 13th floor.First Thief : hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
12) Man : how old is your father?Boy : as old as me.Man : how can that be?Boy : he became a father only when i was born.13) Customer : waiter, this soup tastes funny.Waiter : funny? but then why arent you laughing?14) Teacher : peter, why you late for school again?Peter : well, Miss, i dreamed that i was playing football and the game went into extra time.Teacher : @$%&!.~?#%
15) An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'My trouble is, ' he said, ' that i keep forgetting things.''How long has this been going on?' asked psychiatrist.'How long has what been going on?' said the man.16) Girl : do you love me?Boy : yes dear.Girl : would you die for me?Boy : no mine is undying love.
17) Wife : do you want dinner?Husband : sure, what are my choices?Wife : yes and no.Husband : =.='
18) Customer : if i post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?Post Master : yes sir, it definitely will.Customer : i bet you, it wont.Post Master : why not?Customer : its addressed to Mumbai.
19) A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, 'Order, order.' The drunkard immediately responded, 'Thank you, your honor, i'll have a scotch and soda.'